“I Can’t Scream”

I was having trouble concentrating in church, and my mind kept going back to my childhood experiences of abuse.  Sometimes it happens, often when I’m emotionally stable for a good while.  I guess my mind lets it come out in bits so I can cope a little at a time.  Anyhow, I sat down and wrote this, and it helped me focus again on other things.  I don’t talk about the past abuse that much, but then again I shouldn’t be ashamed either.  I’ve done nothing wrong, after all.  So I decided to share this poem with you all in the hopes of  – well, I’m not even sure.  Part discussion starter, part declaration, part defiance.

I Can’t Scream

I can’t scream.  In my dreams,

I dream of you.

Your smug, silver-tongued words that dismiss

negate

erase

deface me.

And I cannot make you stop.

No more than when I was younger

And couldn’t make you stop leering

peering

sneering

touching

groping.

I can’t scream in my dreams.

I cry

sob

and plead.

But no screams.

I try.

Don’t think I don’t.

I do.

I open my mouth,

Fill my lungs,

And then gasp

Squeak

Yelp.

That is all.

In my waking world, I can’t scream, either.

I want to, but there’s no room.

There are too many people who would hear

and come.

Who would ask

question

judge.

Judge me for what you did.

Were I alone for miles, I couldn’t scream.

The scream within would echo through the distance,

And others would hear,

hear and never understand.

Were I alone on earth save a few wretched souls,

My scream would be heard,

And they would hear,

hear and never understand

Me.

You.

Everything.

But it isn’t everything,

is it?

You are not my end,

my dream,

my final scene.

I cannot scream,

But I Talk

Speak

Testify.

I know you.

Whatever lies you tell others

and yourself,

No.

I know you,

sad,

weak,

shuffling man.

Maybe you aren’t that important.

This is the way your world ends.

This is the way your world ends.

This is the way your world ends.

Not with a bang but a whimper.

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Filed under Literature, Personal Writing, Poetry